5. Heart

I stood in front of the mirror, playing with my mess of curls.  I had tried to forget everything that Joe had been to me, but then I realized that that was impossible.  He was my little brother.  I knew that I had always cared about him as more than a little brother.

5 years ago when I married Danielle I had thought I knew what I wanted with my life.  I was happy… more or less.  But soon, Joe and Nick opted to go to college and the Jonas Brothers called it quits.  That was the first slap in the face.  I hadn’t spoken to Joe since the wedding.

From there it was a downhill domino effect.  Nick got involved in heavy drugs and dropped out of college.  Joe graduated but after the ceremony, he hadn’t come up to us.  He just disappeared.  I realized that Joe was more than a brother to me.  Danielle left me.  I was alone.

I still remember the last thing I had said to Joe.  A million times I wished I could take it back.  If I could ask God one thing it would be for me to have never said it.  If I had one wish from a genie, I would wish for it to be gone.  Not for him to forget.  That wouldn’t be good enough.  It had to have never happened.

“Kevin, you’re making a mistake… why won’t you look at me?  I really need to talk to you!” Joe said to me, grabbing my head in his hand and turning my face so I was looking at him.

“What Joe?” I spat.  “I’m getting married in a half hour, it’s done with!  I—I—there’s nothing that you could do or say that could make me change my mind.”

I wrenched my face out of his grasp and turned back to the wall, focusing on my breathing.  Truthfully, I was shit-my-pants nervous about the wedding.  My thoughts were buzzing around in my head, bouncing from one corner of my brain to the next.

“Kevin, just listen to me for five seconds,” he begged.  Against my own will I turned to face him.

“What?” I hissed.

“Look Kevin, I know that what I’m about to say is so wrong.  Feeling what I feel is so wrong.  And I know that, but I also know that if I don’t tell you that I love you, I’ll regret it until the day I die.”

He finished his little speech and inhaled sharply, realizing what he had just said.  I stared at him, blinking, wondering if it was even possible that he “loved” me.  A few minutes passed of just staring at each other.

“Will you please say something?” He asked nervously.

“I—I don’t love you Joe.  Not as a lover, and after that, not as a brother.”

I was slumped on my bathroom floor, breathing deeply.  How could I be such a jackass to him?  I wish there was some way to tell him that the only reason I said that was because I felt the same way, and that scared me beyond belief.  But there was no way to call or e-mail him.  Joe Jonas had dropped off the face of the planet.

The past few months I had been becoming more and more distant from my family.  They’d call me and I’d just let it go to voice mail, then wait days, if not weeks, before returning their calls.  If Joe was still around he wouldn’t have accepted my bullshit.  He would have broken down these walls that I had been building around myself and wrapped him in his arms.  He would be on the floor next to me now, letting me blow snot all over his shirt as he wiped the tears from my eyes.

The thought of him doing just that made my whole body shake with sorrow.

Maybe it’s the things I say
Maybe I should think before I speak
But I thought that I knew enough
To know myself and do what's right for me
And these walls I'm building now
You use to bring 'em down
The tears I'm crying out
You use to wipe away!

I had thought at the time that marring Danielle was the right thing to do, but now I realized that if I had just opened my eyes to what was around me, I would have been doing the right thing.  I had never wanted anything more than I wanted Joe right at that moment, but I knew that it was impossible.  Joe had been gone for over a year.  No one had seen him.

“Dude, please just look at me.”  He had been groveling since the ‘I don’t love you’ comment, but there was no way I was giving in.  I just crossed my legs and arms and stared at the wall, just like in first grade when my best friend stole my extra cookie during snack.

“Kevin, it’s almost time,” I heard Nick’s voice carry from the other room.  It had seemed to be getting louder, as if he was coming into where Joe and I were sitting.  “Joe, what the hell is Kevin doing?”  I guess he was already in the room.

“Being a jackass.” Joe whispered under his breath.  I opened my mouth as if to say something rude back at him, but remembered just in time that I wasn’t talking to him.  “C’mmon Nick, let’s get outta here.”  I turned slightly to see Nick reach his hand down and pull Joe into a standing position.  He didn’t let go once Joe was standing.

The two walked out the door, still holding hands, but suddenly, I felt them stop.  “Kevin, if you ever decide to follow your heart and do what’s right, it shouldn’t be too hard.  It may feel like I’m gone, but I’ll always be right here.”

Yeah right, I thought now, my whole body quivering on the cold linoleum on my bathroom floor.  He wasn’t here.  He left.  He promised me he was going to be here forever, but he wasn’t.  For all I know he could be dead in a gutter somewhere in the middle of China.

Oh, and Joe?  Guess what!  I figured it out!  I’m in love with you!  Guess what, I told Danielle!  Guess what!  She left me!  That’s not my definition of easy.

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breaking apart
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn

I rolled over and stared at the ceiling, the tears still streaming down my cheeks.  I could have sworn I heard the doorbell ring, but I was sure that it hadn’t.  Who would be coming to see me?  Not Nick.  He didn’t care about anything but himself and his retarded drugs.  Not mom or dad.  They would have called.  Not Danielle, she had taken everything when she went away.  Defiantly not Joe.  Why would he come see me?  I had broken his heart, and my own in the process.  I didn’t have any friends.  If there really was someone at the door, they were probably just trying to sell me something.

But a few minutes passed, and the door bell rang again, this time I was sure of it.  I could have cared less.  I just continued to stare at the ceiling and cry.  Soon I was gasping for breath.  The only thing that I could hear was the doorbell, which the person standing outside had begun to just hold down.

I stood up from the bathroom floor and looked at myself in the mirror.  I looked like I felt, but I had to answer the door.  I had to get whoever it was to go away.  I walked down the stairs, taking them two at a time.  Whoever was at the door was knocking on it viciously.

“I KNOW YOU’RE HOME KEVIN!  OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!” the person, who was defiantly a man, screamed, his voice muffled through the thick wood and glass of the door.  Still, there was something comfortably familiar about the voice.

I walked up to the door and placed my hand on the doorknob.  I turned that small, round piece of metal and pulled the giant piece of wood towards myself.  Standing in front of me was…

“JOE?!” I screamed, moving towards him, wrapping him in a bone crushing hug.  He just stood there, his arms limp at his sides.

“Can’t… breathe,” he gasped out, and I released him.

“Sorry.”

“Man you look like shit.  Can I come in?”  He didn’t wait for an answer; he just pushed me to the side and walked into my house.

“Sure, make yourself at home,” I sarcastically spoke to the air where three seconds ago Joe had been standing.  I turned around and walked in the door.  Joe was flopped on the couch, his feet, still in their shoes, flopped on the table.  His hands were behind his head and his eyes were closed.

“Nice house you got your self here,” he declared, not opening his eyes.  I opened my mouth to tell him to get his shoes off the table, and to tell him to stop being rude.  I caught myself just in time, realizing I was in no position to tell him to do anything.  I had told him I hated him.

“So… why’re you here?” I asked.  I hadn’t meant for it to come out as rudely as it had, but there wasn’t really anything I could do about it.  And anyway, it wasn’t the worst thing I had said to him by far.

“To tell you to stop thinking about me,” he sighed matter-of-factly.  I looked at him, my mouth slightly agape.  “How do I know you’ve been thinking about me?  Well, for starters I ran into Danielle yesterday.  She kinda spat at me and told me to go to hell.  I asked what the fuck she was talkin’ about.  She said, and I quote ‘Kevin never stopped talking about you’,” he started in high falsetto.  “‘You should go to him… I think he’s, like, in love with you or something’.  And then she walked away.  Really pissed me off to tell you the truth.”

“And you came here because?” I asked, still not grasping what his little visit was about.

“To tell you to stop.  You don’t love me.  You told me your self, and I quote
‘I—I don’t love you Joe.  Not as a lover, and after that, not as a brother.’  So why the sudden interest?”

“Joe, that was five years ago!  I was angry and I was nervous and…”

“Doesn’t mean it hurt any less,” he admitted, finally opening his eyes and looking at me.  I saw in his eyes sadness, hurt, sorrow, and regret.  “I told you my deepest secret, that I loved you as more than a brother, and what did you do?  You responded by telling me you didn’t love me at all!  I realize that coming here was wrong.  I should go.”  He stood up and left my house.

--

I crawled into bed, my talk with Joe still buzzing around in my full head, much like my wedding day.  He was my little brother, and he loved me like a lover, and I had basically told him I hated him, and I wanted more than nothing else in the world to go back to that day and take it back.  But I couldn’t.  The past is the past, I can’t help myself.

I closed my eyes, hoping for a release, but instead, I dreamt of Joe.

He was just… standing there, looking at me.  I realized I was dreaming and was about to wake myself up when he spoke.  “Kevin.”

I did a double take, for he hadn’t spoken my name since that horrible, horrible day.  He had said it, sure, but never to my face.  Never to address me.  “Yes Joe?”

“Why are we doing this?  Why are we stuck in this argument?” he asked the pain evident on his face.  I wanted to scream at him and point out that I had tried to apologize earlier in the day, but realized that this was my own Joe, not the real one.  This Joe was only here because I had buried him deep in my subconscious, waiting for him to join me.

“I—don’t know.  I wish we weren’t though.” I admitted.

He walked toward me, quickly joining my side.  He laced his arm through mine and stood on his tip toes to place a kiss on my cheek.

I sat up quickly, no longer enjoying this dream.  I was drenched in sweat as I threw back the covers, pulled off my boxers, and jumped into the shower, turning the water on and letting it wash the dream away from my body.

I thought about how, back when things were great and our lives hadn’t sucked, whenever there was a fight in the family, somehow Joe and I were always on the same side.  If he had broken a vase, I was at his side when he told mom and dad.  When I spilled red wine on their favorite carpet, Joe had stuck by me when I scrubbed it up.  We were always like one whole, instead of two separate pieces.  When we had the big fight, and for the first time we were divided, neither of us knew how to fight for our own rights, for we always had the other as a support.

Which was probably why we hadn’t resolved it.  That was probably why I was standing here, in the shower, crying, and trying to ignore the fact that just thinking about Joe was giving me an incredibly painful boner.

I turned off the hot water and stepped out of the shower.  I remembered that Joe hated me and everything that I was, and immediately my problem was gone.  I looked at my face in the mirror.  My eyes were still blood shot from this morning, and my hair looked sweaty, not wet.  For the second time that day, I curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor and cried.

Don't make me have to choose between what I want
And what you think I need.
Cuz I'll always be a little boy
But even little boy have got to dream
Now it all feels like a fight
You were always on my side
The lonely I feel now
You use to make it go away!

When my little episode had passed, I scraped myself off of the floor and walked down stairs.  I sat in the exact spot Joe had been sitting in, putting my feet in the exact same spot on the table, leaning my head back exactly the same way, and closing my eyes, just as Joe had been a few hours before.  I sat like that for over an hour, but eventually my neck grew stiff and I had to stand.  I put my hand down next to me and I prepared to lift myself up, when my fingers brushed against a piece of paper.

I brought it to my face and opened it, reading what was on the lined sheet.  It was a piece of paper with my face on it.  I looked much younger, as the picture had no doubt been taken over six years ago, when our TV show was just starting up.  Just above my face was a phone number.  I recognized the hand writing to be Joe’s.

I ran into the kitchen and picked up the phone, eagerly dialing the number Joe had left for me.  After three rings, I heard him pick up.  “Hello?” he answered groggily.

“Joe?” I asked, even thought I knew it was him.

“Yeah?” he sounded as if he was walking up more.  I was hurt that he didn’t recognize my voice.

“I—it’s Kevin.” I said finally.

“Go to bed.”

I exhaled.  “Well… goodnight I guess.”

He hung up before I had a chance.  A new wave of tears washed over me, and this time I didn’t bother to try and make it to the bathroom floor.

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' in to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breaking apart
Don't wanna be torn

I woke up with a stiff neck and tears crusted down the sides of my face.  I stood up and leaned on the kitchen counter.  I opened my eyes to see Joe sitting in one of the over sized chairs I had pushed up against it, a cup of coffee in his hand.

“Morning Kevo!” he chirped.

I screamed.  “How the hell did you get in here?”

“Called up mom and dad.  They were really happy to hear I was still alive.  They asked me if I needed anything.  I told them a key to your house.” He shrugged, as if it were perfectly normal that he has broken into my house.

“That’s technically called breaking and entering, as I don’t want you here.” I shot daggers at him with my eyes.

“You wanted me hear yesterday,” he smugly pointed out.  I was about to fire something mean and hateful back when I was hit with the realization that, yes, I had wanted him here yesterday.  And despite what I had said, I wanted him here now.  I stood the rest of the way and plopped my butt down in the soft cushion.

“So why are you here?”

“You called me last night; I assumed you wanted to talk.”

“But you kinda hung up on me.”  I didn’t try to mask the hurt that coated my voice.

He looked down at his hands, still wrapped around the coffee cup.  “It’s really hard for me to sit here and talk to you.”

“Really?” I asked.  I always knew it would be hard for me, should I ever see Joe again, but never once in my selfish ways, had I thought about what it would be like for him.

“Yeah.  For awhile I was really mad at you.  Like, stick-pins-in-posters-of-your-face mad.  You really hurt me Kevin.  I know that you probably don’t want to hear it, but it’s what you did.  Then I wanted come to you and fuck you senseless, but you were married, and happy, and I knew that if I loved you, I would leave you alone.  But then the other day when I saw Danielle.” He was shaking his head.  I felt a familiar burn in my throat, having felt it so many times in the past two days.  I willed myself not to cry in front of Joe.  I succeeded, but just barley.

“So I came over here yesterday, ready to beg for you.  But when I saw you, everything got complicated in my head again.  I wanted to scream at you, and kiss you, and punch you across the face all at the same time.  This hurricane of emotion consumed me, and I froze up.  I left my number on your couch, hoping you’d find it and call me.  And you did, but I wasn’t ready for it to have happened so fast, so I acted like a jackass.

“Then I told you how I got the key, and here we are.  Now can you please say something and not just stare at me?”

“Joe… I… I feel exactly the same way as you just described to me.  I feel… I don’t know how I feel…”

Why is all this so confusing
Complicated and consuming
Why is all this made me angry
I wanna go back to being happy!

We had talked for over and hour, catching up, completely forgetting the things that I needed so badly to be forgotten.

“Kevin, I love you.”

The second he said it, he covered his mouth.  I place my hands palms down on the table and stared at him.  The way he just said it, so plain, I wished I had the same courage.  Instead of responding like a 26 year old man, I broke down and started crying like a 6 year old boy.

He began to stand but I let out a pained cry that could only be interpreted as one thing.  “Don’t go”.  Before I knew what was happening, his arms were wrapped around me, and he was pulling me tightly into his chest.  I continued to sob, blowing snot all over his shirt.  He continued to smooth my hair and tell me it was okay.

“Joe—I’m only crying—because—I feel—the same,” I gasped between sobs.

He grabbed my arms, one in each of his hands, and moved me so that I was at arms length.  “Really?”

I just nodded and hiccupped, sending more tears down my cheeks.  He moved his hand and rubbed his thumb under my eye, drying my tears, just as he used to.

The tears I'm crying out
Once again you wipe away

I thought you said it was easy
Listenin' in to your heart
I thought you said I'd be okay
So why am I breaking apart
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn
Don't wanna be torn